5 posts tagged “love”

karma as in the good or bad emanations felt to be generated by someone or something? I swear after all the problems that my car has had in the last few months, I would be stupid to not believe in such a thing =P  I went to Florida in May to see (at that time) the boyfriend; half way there I noticed a crack on the passenger side of the windshield which only grew the longer I drove and over the few days that I was in FL due to the heat, no big deal right? Wrong; that crack is going to cost me $200+ to fix because they have to replace the whole windshield to do so, I can't get it done now but I need to ASAP because if I were to get stopped I could get a ticket.

But the fun doesn't stop there, on the way home from FL my AC stopped cooling half way. I was like, what the hell? So I had to drive 6 hours or so in the heat with the windows rolled down driving down the interstate, not fun at all. I wasn't able to get my AC fixed until just today (it happened over 2 months ago) because I didn't have the money. Come to find out a rock had some how got stuck in the condensor or hit the condensor which put a dent/hole in it causing all the freon to leak out which is why it stopped cooling, I also got my driver side window fixed which broke last year, all in all it cost $460 to get my car fixed which doesn't include the 100k mile tune up I need to get done soon and the check engine light. I think something was trying to tell me to get out of Flordia and not go back...go figure that 2 months later, I broke up with the boyfriend and haven't been happier. Coincidence? I think not!

Classes start on August 20th, I'm excited and ready to go. I need to put all my time and energy into my classes this semester as I've tried to do every semester after my first year of screwing up. I need to pass every single class I am taking this semester in order to receive my Associate of Arts degree that I am planned to finish with the completion of this coming Fall 07 semester. I'm stressing out already when it comes to transfering to another school, mainly because I'm worried that my first year of college will screw me over.

Like most people, I went through that period during my freshman year of college that I just didn't give two hoots about classes. For once, I didn't have anyone breathing down my neck to make sure I turned in home work and went to class; you don't have to show up for class in college if you don't want too and there is not a damn thing anyone can do it about it. I ended up failing out of my first semester (Fall 04) and withdrawing completely from my second semester (Spring 05). I managed to do okay when I went back in Spring 05 and pulled B/C's, however those D/F's that I did make in my first semester at college still count towards my GPA and I've been working since then to bring it up. I'm not doing to bad with it as of right now, after this semester I hope it to be a low 2.9/3.0 when everything is said and done but it still worries me. I want to finish my schooling, I want to finish two more years and receive and BA in Psychology; it's something I want, I just didn't pull my head out of my ass until after that first semester and I'm hoping it doesn't keep me from getting into another school. As of right now I'm applying too KU, USC (South Carolina) and MSU...we'll see how things go.

Aside from the transfering part, I'm worried if I'll have enough time to get everything applied for, sent in plus transcripts and accepted/rejected by the start of Spring 08 (January). I would like to just go straight into schooling at which ever university I get accepted too and decide to attend starting in January, that way there is no gap in between schooling which will allow me to slack off and not go back. If I have to absolutely wait, I'll just start in the Summer of 08 instead; that at least puts me finishing in 2009. I'm just praying everything will work out the way I want it too for once.

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On a different note, as previously mentioned in a post a few days ago I broke up with Albert. After sitting here the past few days and having not talked to him since then, I can honestly say that I did the best thing possible for myself. I have no shed on tear or felt any pain/guilt/regret towards the decision I made. I was talking to Alan (which is the guy I'm currently talking too) and asked if he noticed a difference in my attitude/overall happiness factor and he said yes, that I've seemed alot more happy & relaxed since breaking up with him. It honestly is just a weight lifted off my shoulders to not have to deal with someone who honestly did not care about me or anything having to do with me; I didn't need the added stress to what I'm already trying to figure out for myself.

I know it seems rather soon and comes off as "wow, she broke up with this guy and is already talking to another," but one must understand that Albert and I's relationship was not a normal "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship. For one, we were in a long distance relationship in which we only got to see each other every couple of months and for two, I was doing all the work and getting absolutely no support when it came to trying to commuciate and actually have a relationship despite the distance. When I broke up with Albert a few days ago, I had already gotten past the part of feeling sad/hurt like I would have felt had it happened a few weeks prior or a few months prior to a few days ago. So really, I had already moved on without actually officially ending it until I could figure out the words to say. Alan and I have been friends for a few months and nothing more and he was there when I needed someone the most; so I'm happy to say that I am completely and utterly happy with him :)

Here's a list of thoughts:

• I took my little cousin to see Transformers this past Friday and it actually turned out to be a movie I enjoyed. I wasn't really expecting much out of a "boyish" action film about robots that transform, but it had a little bit of everything; military, action, kiddy puppy dog romance. I enjoyed it and will definitely get it when it comes out on DVD. My next trip is to see Harry Potter!
• I went to a baseball game yesterday with my mom & the church group. It had been scheduled for about 2 months so I couldn't get out of it. It was boring as hell though; it was too hot to think about anything other than how sweaty you were. I was sweating buckets...I hate being hot. But it was nice to get out of the house for a change. They had a Jars of Clay concert directly after but we didn't stay for long.
• My classes start on August 20th. I'm ready to go as this is my last semester here before I transfer! I have everything set and my classes signed up for. I go this Wednesday to take my placement test for my math to see if I can get into College Algebra, if not I'm stuck with Probability & Statistics.
• I broke up with Albert (boyfriend) yesterday and I honestly haven't felt so relieved in awhile. It sounds harass to say that because it's as if I'm saying "oh I don't care/love him," I do but just not in the way I want/wanted too. After trying so hard & doing everything that one feels she should do too make sure that the other is happy & the relationship is a strong one & keeping communication open, and not getting any help from the other party it becomes too much. I realized in the last month or so that the words "I do care, I do love you, I do want to be with you" meant nothing to him...if they did, he would have showed it and believe me I gave him plenty of time & space to allow him to show me and he never did. I went with how I felt for once and did what I felt was best for me and I'm glad.

I told myself that if I didn't call him for a week, it wouldn't phase him a bit; I also told my friend that if I didn't call for a week it would phase him a bit...I was right. The last night I really talked TALKED to my boyfriend was on July 4th to see what his plans were (mind you were in an LDR) and to see how his day went because he had the day off from work, and even then we didn't really talk about much outside of our plans for the evening. I've called him twice since 4th of July, one was to get him to come online so that one of our mutual friends who hasn't talked to him in awhile could talk to him; a simple can you get online was all that was said. I called him Sunday to see how his lan party went because apparently he had a lan party with 25 people at his house on Saturday night, he still had people over at his house so I let him go...he told me he'd talk to me in awhile but never called back.

It's out of character, I suppose, you could say for me to NOT call him and NOT go online (we both play World of Warcraft) to his server to talk to him a little bit. I'm the one that always calls, always tries to keep up with him, see how he's doing, what he's been up too, make sure things are okay on his end etc. and I figured I'd see how long it'd take for him to do the same for me...yeah I didn't get what I wanted. I suppose I thought that with me not coming online or me calling, that he would call to see how I was, what I've been up too and at least check on me to make sure things are okay since it's not normal for me to not call & attempt to talk to him. His excuse is the same as always; I've been really tired and really busy. Yeah really busy & really tired but not so much that you can have 25 people over on Saturday night which ended up staying until 6pm the following evening for a lan party, I guess you're only too tired and too busy when it comes to me, your girlfriend, someone you say you love & care about & want to be with yet you put no effort and take no intiative to even talk to me...whatever. I honestly don't know if I can take it anymore, the feeling of not feeling wanted, the feeling of not mattering, the feeling of putting my heart & my feelings on the line for someone that doesn't seem to care (although he says he does). And it hurts even more because it's been 7 months, I do care about him, I do love him, I do want to be with him...but I'm not happy, now I have to do what's best for me.

need him. I want him. I love him.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." - Eden Ahbez